S/he Loves Me, S/he Loves Me Not

[beloved]

Body language tells us so much more than words. That's why songs are written about body language telling the truth about whether someone loves us or not. "You've Lost that Lovin' Feelin' ", "This Kiss", "Its in His Kiss", all are songs expressing that the way you know someone loves you is in the way the look at, touch, and/or kiss you.

Here are two sure fire ways to let your spouse know that you love them with your body language:

1. Physical touching- and lots of it!!

~ We all have the need to be held, fondled, caressed, and tenderly touched. I am of course speaking of physical affection, not sex. Although sex is also important, affection is initially what helps us fall in love and stay in love because it sends the message, you are important to me and I desire and love you.

2. Eye contact- and lots of it!!

~ Nothing tells you of someones sincere interest in you more than eye contact. Eye contact also denotes a high comfort level with someone else, and shows intense expression of love. Lovers often stare longingly into each others eyes. In contrast, if you don't like someone, or feel uncomfortable around them you will avoid eye contact with them; or if you have something to hide.

~ Eye contact is an important part of an infants emotional developement. A baby is always searching for another pair of eyes to lock on to, and this becomes a necessity because their emotions are positively fed by eye contact. We never outgrow this need, and when a loved one avoids eye contact with us because of disinterest or anger, it can be devestating.

Practice makes perfect and the practice of these two marital arts gives practice the new meaning of comfort, fun, and fulfillment.

[lostlove]

I wish I felt like this, beloved!

I find it difficult to spontaneously hug my husband, or look into his eyes. I often drop my eyes if he stares at me- I don't know why. Look at my "married for security" thread and there may be a clue.

I can look into the yes of many of my friends because I feel accepted and "safe" with them. There is more honesty and sharing of real feelings with trusted Christian friends, although they are just friends. I can truly be myself with them, and don't have to "try" so hard. (I can even pray on the phone with one of my closest frinds- she understands me so well, and vice-versa)

The one person one with my should be closest to me, and should have a "one flesh bond " with me and I can't. It is very strange.

I was the same with my mother- and she used to accuse me of being "underhanded" because I couldn't look into her eyes. )


I just accept it if my husband hugs me, but I find it's often a sort of "cheeky" sexual type of approach he has to me, rather than affectionate. He will slap my bum or put a hand down my top, even though we are an older couple.

I read" is as just more control. "I can do this because you belong to me!" rather than to make me feel loved and special. Yet a lot of women friends of my age think I'm blessed that he still "fancies" me at my age!!!!

The trouble is I do like sex, still- but it's just desire, the way my hormones have sorted out after the menopause, when some women go off it for ever, and others like it more!! I still feel there's no real affection, no real love. It just makes me feel I'm like a "married prostitute". It may be there somewhere, but something's missing and I wish it wasn't.

Maybe it's because I've been criticized so much over the years (and not just by my husband, I was never quite good enough for my mother, either!!!!!)

Yet I am NOT a weak character and I have somehow managed to keep my own interests and friends in spite of the attempts to control me. But I still feel a bit as if I anm a bit selfish to want interests of my own. It was something women of the former generation, like my mother-in-law, never had.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to please, that's a thought!!!

[beloved]

lostlove said:

I wish I felt like this, beloved!

I find it difficult to spontaneously hug my husband, or look into his eyes. I often drop my eyes if he stares at me- I don't know why. Look at my "married for security" thread and there may be a clue.

I think you answered that here:

I can look into the yes of many of my friends because I feel accepted and "safe" with them. There is more honesty and sharing of real feelings with trusted Christian friends, although they are just friends. I can truly be myself with them, and don't have to "try" so hard. (I can even pray on the phone with one of my closest frinds- she understands me so well, and vice-versa)

The one person one with my should be closest to me, and should have a "one flesh bond " with me and I can't. It is very strange.

I was the same with my mother- and she used to accuse me of being "underhanded" because I couldn't look into her eyes. )

It seems to me more likely that you couldn't look at her because she made you feel ashamed of yourself. Could it be that your husband makes you feel the same way?

I just accept it if my husband hugs me, but I find it's often a sort of "cheeky" sexual type of approach he has to me, rather than affectionate. He will slap my bum or put a hand down my top, even though we are an older couple.

That sounds like an over sexualized mind often found in people who are addicted to sex and lust. Part of a healthy relationship includes giving and taking of affection without sex.

I read" is as just more control. "I can do this because you belong to me!" rather than to make me feel loved and special. Yet a lot of women friends of my age think I'm blessed that he still "fancies" me at my age!!!!

First of all, according to God's word you belong to each other and are one. He does not own you. You are suppose to be so close emotionally and sexually that you are "one". He should not be treating you as a sexual object, but as his beloved. Second, although your friends mean well, from what you've described of your relationship with your husband does not make you a lucky woman. Just because he abuses you less than other men abuse their wives doesn't make you lucky. Do you feel like you've been blessed by your union with him over the years or do you feel lonely, unfulfilled, hopeless, hurt, etc. ? You are lucky only if you feel you have been cherished, loved, adored, respected, and accepted.

The trouble is I do like sex, still- but it's just desire, the way my hormones have sorted out after the menopause, when some women go off it for ever, and others like it more!! I still feel there's no real affection, no real love. It just makes me feel I'm like a "married prostitute". It may be there somewhere, but something's missing and I wish it wasn't.

What is missing is respect and close emotional intimacy. Many men believe that showing emotion is weak; that is except for feelings of lustful desire, anger, and power. It is these false beliefs that make them incapable of being tender, good lovers and spouses. These beliefs make them incapable of having and maintaining love relationships. If his beliefs don't change, he won't change, and he won't treat you with the love you deserve.

Maybe it's because I've been criticized so much over the years (and not just by my husband, I was never quite good enough for my mother, either!!!!!)

A critical spirit is one of the biggest killers of love. If you don't feel valued and accepted by someone, why would you want to have sex with them. I think I'd rather chew my arm off then to have sex with someone who mistreats me. You have no "marital duty" to him. Sex is suppose to be an expression of the love you have for each other, not a right. You are not a prostitute and should not be treated like one.

Yet I am NOT a weak character and I have somehow managed to keep my own interests and friends in spite of the attempts to control me. But I still feel a bit as if I anm a bit selfish to want interests of my own. It was something women of the former generation, like my mother-in-law, never had.

That is obvious. You are obviously a strong woman to be ill treated and still manage to keep friends, interests, make it through each day, and complete your responsibilities. There is nothing selfish in wanting your own friends, hobbies, interests or in having your own dreams, goals, desires. What is selfish is for someone to allow themselves to have all those natural human things and not acknowledge that their wife, mother, daughter, friend, etc. have the same needs and right to fulfill those needs as long as they don't abandon their family and responsibilities to do so.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to please, that's a thought!!!

A lot of women feel that way because of men, and other women, who make them feel as if their needs and desires don't matter by telling them over and over that their needs and desires don't matter and are selfish. Dear lovelost, you feelings, needs, and desires DO matter. We are not just here in this life to exist and be and do what everyone else expects us to be and do and want. God gives each of us a destiny in life. For each and every one of us there is a purpose. He gives each and every one of us talents, desires, passions, etc. But the greatest need that we all have is love. Even men- they just try to deny it because they have been told it makes them weak. The whole law of Moses can be summed up in love- that is what Jesus said. If God made all these laws to show us how to love Him, ourselves, and others, than don't you think that could be because we all need love and a lot of it? If we break the law of God, we break the law of love. Treating each other in the loving ways described in the law produces the feelings of love. Now if you are not feeling love for your husband it is because:

A) He doesn't do anything (or very little) that is of a loving nature for you
B) You dwell too much on his weaknesses and not enough on his strengths
C) a little or a lot of both

I suspect, however, from what you've written thus far that you have for years tried to look on the bright side of your husband and give him credit for his strengths. What I can see is you are and have been emotionally neglected, abused, and controlled. It is never wrong to need or desire more love and closer relationship with your spouse. It is wrong for a spouse to deny that to them. God commands us to love and to love deeply. The world, because of the influence of Satan, teaches that it is unmanly for a man to deeply love his wife; that a wife is too needy to need what God created her for. There's nothing wrong with your needs or desires.

Take care mam,
beloved