Post by beloved on Nov 20, 2006 18:37:12 GMT -5
(part 1)
Many Christian women have been taught false doctrines about their "place" and "role" in the home. Allowing a mate to sin, betray, and abuse them has been made into something glamorous and holy. To step up and confront them is seen as usurping the man's supposed authority and headship in the home. These women have been taught that making themselves and/or their children sacrificial lambs at the hands of abusive men is somehow spiritual. Oh really? It's spiritual to allow yourself and/or your children to be abused, betrayed, and degraded? No, it's not spiritual and it is not biblical. It is not God's will that anyone remain in a relationship where they are abused repeatedly with no repentance and change on the part of the abuser.
Many women, Christian or not, get into and/or remain in unhealthy, abusive relationships that they have no business getting or staying in, and they have so many seemingly good excuses that sound so loving and angelic, yet to stay in these relationships is really self abasive and self abuse.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger "10 Stupid Things Women do to Mess Up Their Lives"
So why do women (and some men) really stay in abusive relationships? Fear. It's not spirituality, it's fear. They are afraid that no one else will love them (although their current husband doesn't prove he does with his behavior), they are afraid of being alone, they are afraid of not being able to manage work and home (especially with kids), they are afraid of not making enough money, not having friends, their friends (or church) rejecting them for leaving their spouse, and on and on. So to them it seems easier just to try to cope and be content with what they do have- stability, financial security, a dad for the kids, or whatever they value. But the cost is too much. The cost is their very soul. They lose who they are and they lose their way. They aren't loved, they aren't even respected. Fear becomes the most powerful force in their lives and fear is far from spiritual.
Women who stay want things to change but they won't do anything to promote that change. Their cop out, yes I said it, cop out, is to say, "it's his problem, not mine. It's none of my business, it's Gods. So I will just pray for him and wait for God to change his heart." Sounds good, but it rarely happens. And the reason it rarely happens is God won't make them do anything. He will tell them what they are doing is wrong, but most of these men ignore him, just as they ignore the pleas of their wives. If your husband won't hear the plea of someone he can see, hear, and feel (and supposedly loves) why would he listen to someone he can't see, hear, or feel in the physical sense? Remember Romans chapter 1? God tried to get the people in that chapter to soften and change their hearts (repent) and they would not do it, so God gave them over to their lustful desires. He let them have it their way and quit trying to reason with them.
Wife, if you don't deal with your husband, chances are good that he WILL NOT CHANGE. If there are no reprecussions from you for his actions, he will continue to do to you what you continue to allow him to do to you. If you don't discipline your child to not do something they will continue to do it because they can get by with it. If you don't discipline your husband by setting boundaries and ultimatums, he will ride rough shod over you. If he cheats on you and you remain with him without requiring repentance and a renewed commitment to you, he WILL "have his cake and eat it to". No amount of pouting, crying, screaming, or sulking will change him. Only you standing up and saying, "You can have me or you can have them, but you can not have both. You choose now and never do this to me again, or I will leave you and take the children with me and you can have your little wh*re. When she dumps you because she won't commit to you as I have, don't come crying to me." The same goes for drugs, porn, alcohol, or what have you. "You want that? You can have it, but you can't have that and me too." When you do this, you force change. And it is NOT WRONG to require repentance from sin EVER! It is NOT WRONG to demand to be treated with goodness, respect, and love. IT IS NOT WRONG OR CONTROLLING, TO DEMAND THAT YOUR SPOUSE KEEP THEIR VOWS TO YOU.
If you demand change or else, change will come. It may not be the change you desire as they may decide to leave you, or maybe just "call you bluff" as they see it, but facing the world alone is by far better than not facing the world. At least you would be able to look yourself in the mirror in the mornings and have self respect for yourself instead of running from your reality because of fear. You are capable of much more than you know. Besides, quite frankly, usually when you demand change, good change will come, not divorce. Addicts and abusive people are extremely selfish. By giving an ultimatum, you actually use their own selfishness against them, for you see, they usually want you and __________ too. When they realise they can't have both, they will usually choose you. After all they married you for a reason. In order to escape the pain of losing you, it is likely they will make whatever change neccessary to avoid that pain, but don't expect them to change because of your pain. Later, with real work in their hearts they will see the pain they've caused and be sorry for it, but first comes ultimatum.
Many Christian women have been taught false doctrines about their "place" and "role" in the home. Allowing a mate to sin, betray, and abuse them has been made into something glamorous and holy. To step up and confront them is seen as usurping the man's supposed authority and headship in the home. These women have been taught that making themselves and/or their children sacrificial lambs at the hands of abusive men is somehow spiritual. Oh really? It's spiritual to allow yourself and/or your children to be abused, betrayed, and degraded? No, it's not spiritual and it is not biblical. It is not God's will that anyone remain in a relationship where they are abused repeatedly with no repentance and change on the part of the abuser.
Many women, Christian or not, get into and/or remain in unhealthy, abusive relationships that they have no business getting or staying in, and they have so many seemingly good excuses that sound so loving and angelic, yet to stay in these relationships is really self abasive and self abuse.
These excuses emcompass protestations of practicality and unselfish love, obligation and commitment. Since they are all lofty ideals, they make a good defense.
If you have the courage to dig deeper, you'll find fear, self-doubt, avoidance of discomfort, and ingrained habituated patterns of relating that have been in place since your childhood family dynamics.
If you have the courage to dig deeper, you'll find fear, self-doubt, avoidance of discomfort, and ingrained habituated patterns of relating that have been in place since your childhood family dynamics.
So why do women (and some men) really stay in abusive relationships? Fear. It's not spirituality, it's fear. They are afraid that no one else will love them (although their current husband doesn't prove he does with his behavior), they are afraid of being alone, they are afraid of not being able to manage work and home (especially with kids), they are afraid of not making enough money, not having friends, their friends (or church) rejecting them for leaving their spouse, and on and on. So to them it seems easier just to try to cope and be content with what they do have- stability, financial security, a dad for the kids, or whatever they value. But the cost is too much. The cost is their very soul. They lose who they are and they lose their way. They aren't loved, they aren't even respected. Fear becomes the most powerful force in their lives and fear is far from spiritual.
Women who stay want things to change but they won't do anything to promote that change. Their cop out, yes I said it, cop out, is to say, "it's his problem, not mine. It's none of my business, it's Gods. So I will just pray for him and wait for God to change his heart." Sounds good, but it rarely happens. And the reason it rarely happens is God won't make them do anything. He will tell them what they are doing is wrong, but most of these men ignore him, just as they ignore the pleas of their wives. If your husband won't hear the plea of someone he can see, hear, and feel (and supposedly loves) why would he listen to someone he can't see, hear, or feel in the physical sense? Remember Romans chapter 1? God tried to get the people in that chapter to soften and change their hearts (repent) and they would not do it, so God gave them over to their lustful desires. He let them have it their way and quit trying to reason with them.
Wife, if you don't deal with your husband, chances are good that he WILL NOT CHANGE. If there are no reprecussions from you for his actions, he will continue to do to you what you continue to allow him to do to you. If you don't discipline your child to not do something they will continue to do it because they can get by with it. If you don't discipline your husband by setting boundaries and ultimatums, he will ride rough shod over you. If he cheats on you and you remain with him without requiring repentance and a renewed commitment to you, he WILL "have his cake and eat it to". No amount of pouting, crying, screaming, or sulking will change him. Only you standing up and saying, "You can have me or you can have them, but you can not have both. You choose now and never do this to me again, or I will leave you and take the children with me and you can have your little wh*re. When she dumps you because she won't commit to you as I have, don't come crying to me." The same goes for drugs, porn, alcohol, or what have you. "You want that? You can have it, but you can't have that and me too." When you do this, you force change. And it is NOT WRONG to require repentance from sin EVER! It is NOT WRONG to demand to be treated with goodness, respect, and love. IT IS NOT WRONG OR CONTROLLING, TO DEMAND THAT YOUR SPOUSE KEEP THEIR VOWS TO YOU.
If you demand change or else, change will come. It may not be the change you desire as they may decide to leave you, or maybe just "call you bluff" as they see it, but facing the world alone is by far better than not facing the world. At least you would be able to look yourself in the mirror in the mornings and have self respect for yourself instead of running from your reality because of fear. You are capable of much more than you know. Besides, quite frankly, usually when you demand change, good change will come, not divorce. Addicts and abusive people are extremely selfish. By giving an ultimatum, you actually use their own selfishness against them, for you see, they usually want you and __________ too. When they realise they can't have both, they will usually choose you. After all they married you for a reason. In order to escape the pain of losing you, it is likely they will make whatever change neccessary to avoid that pain, but don't expect them to change because of your pain. Later, with real work in their hearts they will see the pain they've caused and be sorry for it, but first comes ultimatum.
