What Makes a Man?

[setfree]

What makes a man is how you treat others. How you treat your wife and kids. If you're happy and they aren't, something is wrong. If they are happy and you aren't, something is wrong.

You need to make a connection with your family. With your wife the simple little things help like holding hands with her, a kiss at the dinner table, a little note left on the pillow, flowers at work, planning special activities together. Relationships don't work on their own, you have to work them.

Ways to connect with your kids are many like playing games, watching a show, getting an ice cream, reading them stories, date night with Dad, roller skating with them, or whatever your child(ren) enjoy. Don't make activities with them all the time that only you enjoy. Do things with them sometimes (and with your wife) that you don't like. That's love.

[beloved]

You are so right, honey. I am so happy that God showed you this.

[setfree]

What makes a man is not what the world tells us makes a man. We are to be in this world, but not of this world. God's word should be our light in the matter, and Jesus our example and mentor. Romans 12: 2 "And be not conformed to this world, but be you transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God."


The world tells us that skirt chasing, beer drinking, violence, lewd talk, and lustfulness, and emotional coldness makes us a man.
God tells us to walk in love, that God is love, that we were created in His likeness and image, that we should be perfect as our Father God is perfect.

The church would never condone skirt chasing, beer drinking, violence, or lewdness, but it still falls short when it comes to it's beliefs and teachings on lust. Most worldly and Christian men believe that they have been "hard wired" to be lustful. The world thinks that makes them macho. Christian men usually see it as a burden that feels unfair to have to contend with. Both views are wrong. God did not hard wire men with lust. Lust is not of the Father according to 1. John 2: 16 "For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world". That means that God did not create us that way. Lust is sin, yet we excuse ourselves by blaming our "condition" on God. After all, we were made (created) "more visual". The truth is that lust is a choice. We are fully in control of whether we lust or not. I believe that men often mistake and confuse "sexual attraction" with lust. They somehow mesh the two together and you can't mesh them together. Everyone (men and women) are "sexually attracted" to physically attractive people. We notice beauty because we have eye balls. Just as we can tell that a plant is beautiful or not, we can plainly see whether a person is beautiful or not. That is where it should end- acknowledgement of beauty. When our thoughts about someone turn sexual, that is when we have crossed over into lust. We allow ourselves to cross that line. We choose to step across that line and lust. It is not an involuntary reaction to the sight of a beautiful woman that was hard wired into our brains at birth. Remember that lust is a part of the sin nature. Lust is a sin, and if it is a sin, then it is a voluntary action. Now we can train our minds for so long to lust that it becomes an automatic response before we even consciously think about what we are doing, but we can undo such thought habits by renewing our minds and guarding our thought life. If our mind automatically goes into "sex mode" as soon as we see a beautiful woman, we need to retrain our minds. Lust should not be our automatic response to a person no matter what they look like. Jesus said that to lust you must look at someone with that purpose. Matthew 5:28 "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman TO lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." That little word "to" there means that lust is a voluntary act which Jesus condemns.

To add insult to injury, men blame women for their lust. This is nothing new as it has been going on for thousands of years that we have record of, but it's still not any more right now than it was thousands of years ago. Christian men use the scripture itself to blame shift their sin onto the women they lust after. They blame immodest apparel, and what they conveniently interpret as provocativeness on the woman's behalf. When Paul told women in the church that they should dress modestly, it was never intended to be taken as blame on women for men's sins. If I mailed a friend some illegal drugs and he uses them, his sin is still his responsibility, not mine. Likewise, if a woman wears revealing clothing and you lust after her, it is on you, not her. Paul was telling women not to give even the occasion of temptation for a man to lust. But we must remember that God said in 1. Corinthians 10: 13 that he would always provide a way out of temptation. Paul did not say if a man lusts, it's the woman's fault. Paul also did not say that women don't lust as well. But obviously Paul didn't feel the need to tell men to dress more modestly because the men weren't showing too much. When is the last time you've seen a man dress provocatively? So Paul did not address the men's choice of dress as a temptation to lust. Not because women don't lust, but because men weren't dressing provocatively. I bring this up because some would twist scripture to mean that only men are troubled with lust because they are "more visual". However, to the contrary in Romans Chapter 1 we find how women not only lust, but can be just as perverted and lewd as men. Romans 1: 24 (Speaking of both men and women) "Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonor their own bodies between themselves:"

And verse 26 "For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:"

God turned them all (men and women alike) over to their sin nature to do as they willed. He didn't try to talk them out of it, but let them do as they pleased. Furthermore, in verse 20 God says these people were without excuse for all their actions: ".... so that they were without excuse.......". None of us have an excuse for our lustful thoughts and actions.

The world also tells men that love is weak, that showing our love is weak. This also is unbiblical and has been used as a tool of the enemy to destroy men, women, children, marriages, and families. God is an emotional being. He created us in His likeness and image. God is not weak. Love is not weak. Showing love is strong. It takes a man with courage to feel and express his own emotions. It is fear of what other men and women think that prevents men from feeling and expressing their God given emotions. Fear is weak, not love. If you do something, or don't do something, because you are driven by the fear of rejection that is weak. In Proverbs God tells us that, "the fear of man is a snare". God should be our example and mentor in our beliefs, behavior, and emotional expression. In the bible God (including in the form of Jesus) expressed joy, anger, compassion, happiness, sorrow, grief, and above all love. The enemy uses this fear of emotional expression that men possess to destroy relationships. Satan also uses men's emotional constipation to kill them. Men who fail to express grief and anguish often kill their own selves. Putting voice to and expressing our emotions helps them heal. If we bottle them up long enough we often implode on our own selves.

Jesus was fully God, but he was also fully man. The bible tells us that he had like passions as any other man, yet without sin. Jesus knows the temptations we face, as he was also tempted as we are. Temptation, however, is not a sin. Giving into temptation is crossing over into sin. But God is faithful. He will provide a way out of temptation. (1. Cor. 10: 13)

We need to strive to be like Jesus was. Romans 8: 29 "For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren." Although it is true that we can never be sinless in this life, we should strive to "be perfect, even as your heavenly father is perfect." (Matthew 5: 48) Our heavenly Father is perfect because He is love. (1. John 4:8) He always walks perfectly in love. And He feels love and expresses it. This is our model as men. Don't be duped into living the lie that the devil would have you to live. God created you with emotions for a reason. That doesn't mean you are weak and a sissy to feel and express them. It means you are strong to go against the tide and be all that God created you to be, without fear. Don't allow the devil or other men define for you what a man is. Be transformed into the image of the man that God intended for you to be. Hebrews 13: 6 says, "So that we may boldy say, the Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."

One last note about expression of emotions. In order for us to have fulfilling love lives with our spouse (and for them to be fulfilled), we must share emotional intimacy with one another. Because we men fear showing emotions as weakness, it prevents us from ever having the relationship with our spouse that God intended. Because we run from emotional intimacy through false beliefs on what makes a man, we more often than women end up getting into pornography. Pornography is a false intimacy. It is safe because we don't have to express our emotions and become vulnerable with pictures of women. Don't give away what belongs only to your wife because you are afraid to be real with her. Don't cheat on her because you are afraid to be open with her. Don't destroy your own life and the life of your family because of your fears.

Also, and most importantly, we men must understand that women are our equals. God created them to be our perfect companions. Women are not under our feet or inferior to us in any way. God created them different, but mostly the same as us. But their differences make them attractive to us, not inferior or weak. (See my wives thread on "Sexual Discrimination in the Church", and "Romantic Love", and "Loving Your Mate")

A word to you wives who have husbands addicted to pornography. It is not you. Your husband seeks emotional relief and avoidance of vulnerability through false intimacy with women who they don’t have to be real with. As much as that is unfair and hurtful to you, he doesn’t do it because you aren’t enough. Some men may try to blame their sin on their wives “unworthiness”, but the truth is that when they act in this manner, they are the ones who are unworthy of you.

Setfree

[godhelpme]

That is just awesome. I really needed to hear that for me. I used porn to run from pain, fears.....