Post by lostlove on Feb 4, 2007 8:17:06 GMT -5
I was the one who started the "married for security not love" thread.
I seem to cope O.K. for a while, tell myself how blessed I am- and then I hit a real low patch.
I just miss being a family. It was the one thing we had in common and now they've left home, it just shows up how ill-matched we are. I enjoyed family holidays and times together. But I often sensed he preferred to have all my attention for himself. Unless he realised, watching me with the children, that I loved them in a way I could never love him.
I did things for them because I WANTED to, whereas what I did for him was duty. We actually had more arguments when the children were at home, yet I felt happier- that sounds ridiculous, but it's true.
All the same, I did get quite close to loving him when I was pregant and when the babies were very small. He was gentler then- and was also very good with helping with babies, which many men are not.
Maybe I would have fallen in love with him if I'd stayed home and had more children, instead of having to go out to work to get us all a better life. Maybe that's where I went wrong! But he said he found it scarey having to support us and be the only breadwinner, and he was glad when I worked again!
But also, he wouldn't let me have any money of my own, apart from the family allowance, when I didn't work. He had to control me, because I have higher educational qualifications, and he felt threatened- but still wanted me to work- that didn't make sense to me. He DID work hard himself- he did overtime and often worked shifts, and unlike me, never complained about getting up early!!!
It is not his fault. There were a few things went wrong in the past, and hurtful things said, but we've got over that. Apart , that is, from the issue of the typical of his generation lack of attention to dress and not enough care with personal hygeine- he thinks only women should keep trying to be attractive to men, and that it doesn't matter for men to try and be attractive to women!!
But I know it shouldn't matter- these are outer things. I can't fault him on reliability and doing jobs around the house. But I can't feel physically attracted to a man who doesn't try to look nice and to be ALWAYS fresh and clean. I don't like loads of overpowering after shave- but just a clean smell- and to KNOW he's had a bath or shower before he gets in bed. If he doesn't, then it makes ME feel dirty! He seems to live in the days when people only had one bath a week, and a quick wash the rest of the time.
I know love should be something you DO, not what you feel, and I have tried over the years. but it doesn't make me feel the right things.
I also know many of the women in the Bible must have married for a home and security, not love. But I still feel empty and sad and feel happier with my friends- and my children and grandchildren, than I do with him.
I feel I am a bad Christian and a bad woman to feel this way- and I couldn't leave- it's not what a Christian should do, it's sinful.
He is only 7 years older than me, but it feels like 20 years.
I am a different person with my friends, I laugh and enjoy their company, and feel happy and as if I am truly myself. I don't go out much, but, when I do, I feel alive, being with like-minded people and sharing our faith and discussing interesting issues.
It is sad. I feel I am trying to act a part in my marriage and I'm not even doing it well. We still have sex- but that's all it is. I am not attracted so I have to close my eyes and just concentrate on the feelings. I KNOW it's dreadful, and it's got to be my fault. I am the Christian. I should be able to generate some love and real
attraction for my husband. I am not a cold person, so why can't I love him? I should never have married him, it was unfair to him.
I have been "in love"- but it was someone I couldn't have married. I told myself "being in love" is just an illusion and isn't real. That it's only about sex, and is physical. That it is possible to find someone "reliable and suitable" and learn to love them. If I'd waited for "real love" again, I might have never married, and I wanted a family life, as most women do. I didn't want to be just a career woman, just wanted work that helps people. I am not really ambitious.
What did the women in the Bible do who married for security? it must have been common in those days.
I feel so wicked, please advise me!
I seem to cope O.K. for a while, tell myself how blessed I am- and then I hit a real low patch.
I just miss being a family. It was the one thing we had in common and now they've left home, it just shows up how ill-matched we are. I enjoyed family holidays and times together. But I often sensed he preferred to have all my attention for himself. Unless he realised, watching me with the children, that I loved them in a way I could never love him.
I did things for them because I WANTED to, whereas what I did for him was duty. We actually had more arguments when the children were at home, yet I felt happier- that sounds ridiculous, but it's true.
All the same, I did get quite close to loving him when I was pregant and when the babies were very small. He was gentler then- and was also very good with helping with babies, which many men are not.
Maybe I would have fallen in love with him if I'd stayed home and had more children, instead of having to go out to work to get us all a better life. Maybe that's where I went wrong! But he said he found it scarey having to support us and be the only breadwinner, and he was glad when I worked again!
But also, he wouldn't let me have any money of my own, apart from the family allowance, when I didn't work. He had to control me, because I have higher educational qualifications, and he felt threatened- but still wanted me to work- that didn't make sense to me. He DID work hard himself- he did overtime and often worked shifts, and unlike me, never complained about getting up early!!!
It is not his fault. There were a few things went wrong in the past, and hurtful things said, but we've got over that. Apart , that is, from the issue of the typical of his generation lack of attention to dress and not enough care with personal hygeine- he thinks only women should keep trying to be attractive to men, and that it doesn't matter for men to try and be attractive to women!!
But I know it shouldn't matter- these are outer things. I can't fault him on reliability and doing jobs around the house. But I can't feel physically attracted to a man who doesn't try to look nice and to be ALWAYS fresh and clean. I don't like loads of overpowering after shave- but just a clean smell- and to KNOW he's had a bath or shower before he gets in bed. If he doesn't, then it makes ME feel dirty! He seems to live in the days when people only had one bath a week, and a quick wash the rest of the time.
I know love should be something you DO, not what you feel, and I have tried over the years. but it doesn't make me feel the right things.
I also know many of the women in the Bible must have married for a home and security, not love. But I still feel empty and sad and feel happier with my friends- and my children and grandchildren, than I do with him.
I feel I am a bad Christian and a bad woman to feel this way- and I couldn't leave- it's not what a Christian should do, it's sinful.
He is only 7 years older than me, but it feels like 20 years.
I am a different person with my friends, I laugh and enjoy their company, and feel happy and as if I am truly myself. I don't go out much, but, when I do, I feel alive, being with like-minded people and sharing our faith and discussing interesting issues.
It is sad. I feel I am trying to act a part in my marriage and I'm not even doing it well. We still have sex- but that's all it is. I am not attracted so I have to close my eyes and just concentrate on the feelings. I KNOW it's dreadful, and it's got to be my fault. I am the Christian. I should be able to generate some love and real
attraction for my husband. I am not a cold person, so why can't I love him? I should never have married him, it was unfair to him.
I have been "in love"- but it was someone I couldn't have married. I told myself "being in love" is just an illusion and isn't real. That it's only about sex, and is physical. That it is possible to find someone "reliable and suitable" and learn to love them. If I'd waited for "real love" again, I might have never married, and I wanted a family life, as most women do. I didn't want to be just a career woman, just wanted work that helps people. I am not really ambitious.
What did the women in the Bible do who married for security? it must have been common in those days.
I feel so wicked, please advise me!
