Post by lostlove on Sept 29, 2006 5:22:23 GMT -5
This is a long story of a long marriage, that's survived despite the odds and my lack of real attraction and love for my husband.
But I still wish, 34 years down the line, that we had real warmth and affection and it wasn't buried under need to control and dominate and me struggling not to be overpowered completely, and me showing "love" doing my "duty" - whilst feeling resentful at the heavy control.
I'm afraid that I married (in haste) on the rebound. I had a child from a relationship that went wrong. I married my husband because he was the first decent hardworking and reliable man I'd met in some time. But he was 35 when we married, and had lived at home with his mother and one remaining unmarried brother.
We couldn't be more different. I was a teacher- and also a person who loves creative things- music and poetry- both reading and writing. I suppose it was hard for him. His mother and that generation though it was lazy and self indulgent for a woman to read and do anything except housework and waiting on the men of the house!! (He has learned to tolerate my creativity and has come close to enjoying it at times, as I respect his practical good sense and ability to mend things! I couldn't do that!!)
I'm afraid that I married (in haste) on the rebound. I had a child from a relationship that went wrong. I married my husband because he was the first decent hardworking and reliable man I'd met in some time. But he was 35 when we married, and had lived at home with his mother and one remaining unmarried brother.
His mother loved "her boys" but had no time for the girls, whom she saw as just "useful" for helping her. All the same, my husband was asked to do a lot of jobs for his family. Wasn't allowed to be lazy!
We have been married 34 years but I am still disappointed, although I have always worked hard at marriage, I can't pretend.
When we went out together, he dressed well and was clean. Very soon after marriage, I found he didn't wash as often as he should, and he complained to his mother that I moaned about his feet, and she told me off, and said he's a hard working man and they do sweat!!
He still isn't as fussy about personal hygiene as young men are today. He knows it puts me off and stops me feeling attracted to him, but doesn't seem to think it matters for men. He thinks women should make all the effort but that men should be accepted whatever they look like or smell like.
It's the same as he thinks men should be allowed to go with loads of women before marriage, and that women are "damaged goods" if they do. (And the Bible teaches us it's wrong for both!!) He says that the double standard exists and "he didn't make the rules!" But he DOES think it's inexcusable even for a man to have an affair after marriage.
I worked as a teacher at this time. My parents were also disappointed that I hadn't married a professional man- but that was the least consderation. It was differences expectations that
killed my feelings before they had developed!
He always had high expectations of sex- it had to be mutual orgasm or it was a failure, and he told me about other women he'd been with and how good they were. He said he expected me to be "good at it" because I wasn't a virgin when we married, and that I wasn't exciting. At this point I thought of leaving (I wasn't a Christian then ) but I wanted a stable home for my child and I got pregnant very quickly. He always seemed to be criticizing me. I think he wanted me to be like his mother, only super-sexy as well!
I had a very low self-esteem as a result of a hyper-critical mother and the fact that I was an unmarried mother in the days when social disapproval was still very high. Of course sex before marriage and adultery are sins. Also I am not conventionally good looking. The overall effect wasn't bad when I made the best of myself, but I have a lot of faults- too numerous to mention!!!
When I was pregnant, things got a bit better as I didn't work
and I felt glad to have a brother or sister for my daughter. I was better at sex when I was pregnant. And my husband was very protective.
My husband was always reliable and a good provider. The relationship with my daughter was O.K. but, even when her sister
arrived, happy and proud as he was, once she grew from a baby into a child, I felt that he envied his friend who had no children and had his wife's exclusive attention. I was shouted at for not keeping the children quiet in the car for instance.
I don't say I was perfect. I developed a terrible temper and even threw a cup of coffee at him one day in a rage.
Also, I had an affair- long before I became a Chritian and this man seemed to appreciate being with me for my own sake, not for any "performance"- he didn't demand anything from me, and we were more intellectally on a level and discussed a lot of interesting things. But of course it is wrong. If I'd been a Christian, I could not have done that. In fact, just after I'd becaome a Christian, he got in touch with me (many years later) and wanted to see me- and I turned the invitation down.
My husband never knew the full extent of this close friendship but of course it causes trouble. (He was a colleague I met at work) Don't think I'm proud of this, I'm not. No amount of justification can make it right. It was totally wrong. But this man made me feel special- and beautiful although I'm so physically imperfect.
In spite of my parents warnings, I agreed to a joint bank account in my marriage- but he ruled me with money. When he wanted a new car, he would shout down my objections, and say it was for the family and I had the benefit of it also..etc.. but the one day I bought my daughter two pairs of shoes in a sale, he went mental with me. I've always had to ask for money to get my hair done and new clothes. I've economised by buying second hand clothes at times. But he is not interested in buying clothes for himself, either!!! He was only interested in cars.
He isn't so bad now, but it has taken this long. He still talks of "his money"and of "giving me money" but I always correct him. I have a lot of friends, and he doesn't mind that now- they are mostly Christians, and one or two women who live locally. He has no real hobbies except for cars and the T.V. and no friends except one from far away, whom he has known most of his life.
But I can't give him all he needs.
At least now he doesn't mind me having my own interests and although not a Christian, he doesn't mind that I am involved with a lot of the church activities. He doesn't mind when I go off on the train and meet up with grandchildren and have a day out, and he meets me at the station. But although we have them to stay a few days in the school holidays, I know he isn't happy having "his" home invaded. He is territorial and likes having me to himself!!!
But although things are much better, I feel sometimes, he's got waht he wants- both daughters have their own lives, one is married and has three children- so he has me to himself. He is always up behind me in the kitchen, now he is retired, telling me a "better way" to do things. He likes my cooking, but his friend's wife loves cooking as a hobby, and I could never compete.
I still work, but only part-time and I love my work, because for the first time, I have a decent work/life balance.
I don't regret working most of my married life, because we were able to support our youngest through University. But it was demanding and too much at times.
A few years ago my husband was very ill, and I nursed him through that, and perhaps we were closer then, because he couldn't be bossy and critical and he was genuinely thankful to me for looking after him well (although it was what anyone would do, I didn't expect thanks.)
Things are better than they have ever been, but I struggle still (and many friends and colleagues say they've watched me struggle throughout the years) There is just so much "baggage". He has never been excatly cruel- but has played silly games , in the past, to "bring me to heel"- threatening to leave home - and that frightened me because he's got the control of the money and I feared being left with debts.) Otherwise, I think I'd have often been glad if he'd left. That's a terrible admission, but honest!! I've also told him when I didn't love him- I can't pretend feelings I haven't got. But there are times when I have ALMOST loved him- and times when I've ACTED lovingly.
I do realise that we need to display "agape love" but in this case, I think the more I'd given up my identity and my right to any money of my own, the more I'd tried to please him, the worse he became. Now I've developed more self-esteem, it is better but still a lot lacking- because try as I might, I can't forget the times I was criticized and controlled and kept short of things. (And it was always justified, he always seemed to "fix it" so there wasn't enough money to give me any to spend. The only money I had was the Family allowance.)
Perhaps I'm to blame. If anyone thinks I am, then plaese correct me in love, as Christians are supposed to do. But, though now I do a lot of things I enjoy, and have wonderful friends and family, and I'm happy being saved and belonging to Jesus, there is STILL a lot of "baggage" in my marriage that I find hard to forget- and I am still having to be firm and assertive all the time, or he would dominate me completely. He has little else in his life, and I can't be everything to him, no one person can.
His mother loved "her boys" but had no time for the girls, whom she saw as just "useful" for helping her. All the same, my husband was asked to do a lot of jobs for his family. Wasn't allowed to be lazy! Also his real father had died when he was 9, and the family moved in with an auntie. His mother married again, but left her four children with different aunts, until later when they got a bigger house, and they were 16 and able to earn, then she had them back. I often say, when my husband is being controlling and critical that he is "punishing me instead of his mother"- whom he always made excuses for and put on a pedestal!"!!
We have been married 34 years but I am still disappointed, although I have always worked hard at marriage, I can't pretend.
When we went out together, he dressed well and was clean. Very soon after marriage, I found he didn't wash as often as he should, and he complained to his mother that I moaned about his feet, and she told me off, and said he's a hard working man and they do sweat!!
I worked as a teacher at this time. My parents were also disappointed that I hadn't married a professional man- but that was the least consderation. It was differences expectations that
killed my feelings before they had developed!
He always had high expectations of sex- it had to be mutual orgasm or it was a failure, and he told me about other women he'd been with and how good they were. He said he expected me to be "good at it" because I wasn't a virgin when we married, and that I wasn't exciting. At this point I thought of leaving (I wasn't a Christian then ) but I wanted a stable home for my child and I got pregnant very quickly. He always seemed to be criticizing me. I think he wanted me to be like his mother, only super-sexy as well!
I had a very low self-esteem as a result of a hyper-critical mother and the fact that I was an unmarried mother in the days when social disapproval was still very high. Of course sex before marriage and adultery are sins. Also I am not conventionally good looking. The overall effect wasn't bad when I made the best of myself, but I have a lot of faults- too numerous to mention!!!
When I was pregnant, things got a bit better as I didn't work
and I felt glad to have a brother or sister for my daughter. I was better at sex when I was pregnant. And my husband was very protective.
My husband was always reliable and a good provider. The relationship with my daughter was O.K. but, even when her sister
arrived, happy and proud as he was, once she grew from a baby into a child, I felt that he envied his friend who had no children and had his wife's exclusive attention. I was shouted at for not keeping the children quiet in the car for instance.
I don't say I was perfect. I developed a terrible temper and even threw a cup of coffee at him one day in a rage.
Also, I had an affair- long before I became a Chritian and this man seemed to appreciate being with me for my own sake, not for any "performance"- he didn't demand anything from me, and we were more intellectally on a level and discussed a lot of interesting things. But of course it is wrong. If I'd been a Christian, I could not have done that. In fact, just after I'd becaome a Christian, he got in touch with me (many years later) and wanted to see me- and I turned the invitation down.
In spite of my parents warnings, I agreed to a joint bank account- but he ruled me with money. When he wanted a new car, he would shout down my objections, and say it wa sfor the family and I had the benefit of it also..etc.. but the one day I bought my daughter two pairs of shoes in a sale, he went mental with me.
He isn't so bad now, but it has taken this long. He still talks of "his money"and of "giving me money" but I always correct him.
I have a lot of friends, and he doesn't mind that now- they are mostly Christians, and one or two women who live locally. He has no real hobbies except for cars and the T.V. and no friends except one from far away, whom he has known most of his life.
But I can't give him all he needs. At least now he doesn't mind me having my own interests and although not a Christian, he doesn't mind that I am involved with a lot of the church activities. He doesn't mind when I go off on the train and meet up with grandchildren and have a day out, and he meets me at the station. But although we have them to stay a few days in the school holidays, I know he isn't happy having "his" home invaded. He is territorial and likes having me to himself!!!
But although things are much better, I feel sometimes, he's got waht he wants- both daughters have their own lives, one is married and has three children- so he has me to himself. He is always up behind me in the kitchen, now he is retired, telling me a "better way" to do things. He likes my cooking, but his friend's wife loves cooking as a hobby, and I could never compete.
I still work, but only part-time and I love my work, because for the first time, I have a decent work/life balance.
I don't regret working most of my married life, because we were able to support our youngest through University. But it was demanding and too much at times.
A few years ago my husband was very ill, and I nursed him through that, and perhaps we were closer then, because he couldn't be bossy and critical and he was genuinely thankful to me for looking after him well (although it was what anyone would do, I didn't expect thanks.)
Things are better than they have ever been, but I struggle still (and many friends and colleagues say they've watched me struggle throughout the years) There is just so much "baggage". He has never been excatly cruel- but has played silly games , in the past, to "bring me to heel"- threatening to leave home - and that frightened me because he's got the control of the money and I feared being left with debts.)
Otherwise, I think I'd have often been glad if he'd left. That's a terrible admission, but honest!! I've also told him when I didn't love him- I can't pretend feelings I haven't got. But there are times when I have ALMOST loved him- and times when I've ACTED lovingly.
I do realise that we need to display "agape love" but in this case, I think the more I'd given up my identity and my right to any money of my own, the more I'd tried to please him, the worse he became. Now I've developed more self-esteem, it is better but still a lot lacking- because try as I might, I can't forget the times I was criticized and controlled and kept short of things. (And it was always justified, he always seemed to "fix it" so there wasn't enough money to give me any to spend. The only money I had was the Family allowance.)
I feel terrible that I can't see in him what his friend's wife can see in him. (When we visit them, he is at his best and we all have a good laugh!) She has always had a soft spot for him and says he's got a lot of charm and a cute face. I wish I could see the charm and the cute face!!
But her husband is HORRIBLE- he shouts at her about her cooking although it';s her hobby and she takes pride in it- and is an excellent he always finds something wrong with it. Perhaps as he is my husband's only real friend, he compares himself and thinks he's good by comparison, which he is!!
I did go for marriage guidance (to "Relate") after I had the affair.It wasn't helpful. It wasn't Christian guidance and she said I'd got to accepot that my marriage was probably a sham!!! .
I don't think it is- but it still needs work and I haven't given up hope that I'll actually one day feel attracted to him, and see the charm and the cute face his friend's wife sees!!!!!
As it is- there is far too much "baggage" and why do men of that generation think they can make no effort to make themselves attractive to a woman? It's a real turn-off!! I STILL work hard at making myself as attractive as I can for my age. I feel better about myself if I do, anyway!!!
Perhaps I'm to blame. If anyone thinks I am, then please correct me in love, as Christians are supposed to do. But, though now I do a lot of things I enjoy, and have wonderful friends and family, and I'm happy being saved and belonging to Jesus, there is STILL a lot of "baggage" in my marriage that I find hard to forget- and I am still having to be firm and assertive all the time, or he would dominate me completely.
And his lack of effort to make himself attractive to me is a turn off. We still make love and it's technically good after all these years, my desires have increased since I'm no longer worn out with full time work. But I still don't feel 100% close. I don't feel like kissing him. It's awful to say that but I don't. Personal hygiene is important to me.
He has little else in his life, and I can't be everything to him, no one person can.
But I still wish, 34 years down the line, that we had real warmth and affection and it wasn't buried under need to control and dominate and me struggling not to be overpowered completely, and me showing "love" doing my "duty" - whilst feeling resentful at the heavy control.
I'm afraid that I married (in haste) on the rebound. I had a child from a relationship that went wrong. I married my husband because he was the first decent hardworking and reliable man I'd met in some time. But he was 35 when we married, and had lived at home with his mother and one remaining unmarried brother.
We couldn't be more different. I was a teacher- and also a person who loves creative things- music and poetry- both reading and writing. I suppose it was hard for him. His mother and that generation though it was lazy and self indulgent for a woman to read and do anything except housework and waiting on the men of the house!! (He has learned to tolerate my creativity and has come close to enjoying it at times, as I respect his practical good sense and ability to mend things! I couldn't do that!!)
I'm afraid that I married (in haste) on the rebound. I had a child from a relationship that went wrong. I married my husband because he was the first decent hardworking and reliable man I'd met in some time. But he was 35 when we married, and had lived at home with his mother and one remaining unmarried brother.
His mother loved "her boys" but had no time for the girls, whom she saw as just "useful" for helping her. All the same, my husband was asked to do a lot of jobs for his family. Wasn't allowed to be lazy!
We have been married 34 years but I am still disappointed, although I have always worked hard at marriage, I can't pretend.
When we went out together, he dressed well and was clean. Very soon after marriage, I found he didn't wash as often as he should, and he complained to his mother that I moaned about his feet, and she told me off, and said he's a hard working man and they do sweat!!
He still isn't as fussy about personal hygiene as young men are today. He knows it puts me off and stops me feeling attracted to him, but doesn't seem to think it matters for men. He thinks women should make all the effort but that men should be accepted whatever they look like or smell like.
It's the same as he thinks men should be allowed to go with loads of women before marriage, and that women are "damaged goods" if they do. (And the Bible teaches us it's wrong for both!!) He says that the double standard exists and "he didn't make the rules!" But he DOES think it's inexcusable even for a man to have an affair after marriage.
I worked as a teacher at this time. My parents were also disappointed that I hadn't married a professional man- but that was the least consderation. It was differences expectations that
killed my feelings before they had developed!
He always had high expectations of sex- it had to be mutual orgasm or it was a failure, and he told me about other women he'd been with and how good they were. He said he expected me to be "good at it" because I wasn't a virgin when we married, and that I wasn't exciting. At this point I thought of leaving (I wasn't a Christian then ) but I wanted a stable home for my child and I got pregnant very quickly. He always seemed to be criticizing me. I think he wanted me to be like his mother, only super-sexy as well!
I had a very low self-esteem as a result of a hyper-critical mother and the fact that I was an unmarried mother in the days when social disapproval was still very high. Of course sex before marriage and adultery are sins. Also I am not conventionally good looking. The overall effect wasn't bad when I made the best of myself, but I have a lot of faults- too numerous to mention!!!
When I was pregnant, things got a bit better as I didn't work
and I felt glad to have a brother or sister for my daughter. I was better at sex when I was pregnant. And my husband was very protective.
My husband was always reliable and a good provider. The relationship with my daughter was O.K. but, even when her sister
arrived, happy and proud as he was, once she grew from a baby into a child, I felt that he envied his friend who had no children and had his wife's exclusive attention. I was shouted at for not keeping the children quiet in the car for instance.
I don't say I was perfect. I developed a terrible temper and even threw a cup of coffee at him one day in a rage.
Also, I had an affair- long before I became a Chritian and this man seemed to appreciate being with me for my own sake, not for any "performance"- he didn't demand anything from me, and we were more intellectally on a level and discussed a lot of interesting things. But of course it is wrong. If I'd been a Christian, I could not have done that. In fact, just after I'd becaome a Christian, he got in touch with me (many years later) and wanted to see me- and I turned the invitation down.
My husband never knew the full extent of this close friendship but of course it causes trouble. (He was a colleague I met at work) Don't think I'm proud of this, I'm not. No amount of justification can make it right. It was totally wrong. But this man made me feel special- and beautiful although I'm so physically imperfect.
In spite of my parents warnings, I agreed to a joint bank account in my marriage- but he ruled me with money. When he wanted a new car, he would shout down my objections, and say it was for the family and I had the benefit of it also..etc.. but the one day I bought my daughter two pairs of shoes in a sale, he went mental with me. I've always had to ask for money to get my hair done and new clothes. I've economised by buying second hand clothes at times. But he is not interested in buying clothes for himself, either!!! He was only interested in cars.
He isn't so bad now, but it has taken this long. He still talks of "his money"and of "giving me money" but I always correct him. I have a lot of friends, and he doesn't mind that now- they are mostly Christians, and one or two women who live locally. He has no real hobbies except for cars and the T.V. and no friends except one from far away, whom he has known most of his life.
But I can't give him all he needs.
At least now he doesn't mind me having my own interests and although not a Christian, he doesn't mind that I am involved with a lot of the church activities. He doesn't mind when I go off on the train and meet up with grandchildren and have a day out, and he meets me at the station. But although we have them to stay a few days in the school holidays, I know he isn't happy having "his" home invaded. He is territorial and likes having me to himself!!!
But although things are much better, I feel sometimes, he's got waht he wants- both daughters have their own lives, one is married and has three children- so he has me to himself. He is always up behind me in the kitchen, now he is retired, telling me a "better way" to do things. He likes my cooking, but his friend's wife loves cooking as a hobby, and I could never compete.
I still work, but only part-time and I love my work, because for the first time, I have a decent work/life balance.
I don't regret working most of my married life, because we were able to support our youngest through University. But it was demanding and too much at times.
A few years ago my husband was very ill, and I nursed him through that, and perhaps we were closer then, because he couldn't be bossy and critical and he was genuinely thankful to me for looking after him well (although it was what anyone would do, I didn't expect thanks.)
Things are better than they have ever been, but I struggle still (and many friends and colleagues say they've watched me struggle throughout the years) There is just so much "baggage". He has never been excatly cruel- but has played silly games , in the past, to "bring me to heel"- threatening to leave home - and that frightened me because he's got the control of the money and I feared being left with debts.) Otherwise, I think I'd have often been glad if he'd left. That's a terrible admission, but honest!! I've also told him when I didn't love him- I can't pretend feelings I haven't got. But there are times when I have ALMOST loved him- and times when I've ACTED lovingly.
I do realise that we need to display "agape love" but in this case, I think the more I'd given up my identity and my right to any money of my own, the more I'd tried to please him, the worse he became. Now I've developed more self-esteem, it is better but still a lot lacking- because try as I might, I can't forget the times I was criticized and controlled and kept short of things. (And it was always justified, he always seemed to "fix it" so there wasn't enough money to give me any to spend. The only money I had was the Family allowance.)
Perhaps I'm to blame. If anyone thinks I am, then plaese correct me in love, as Christians are supposed to do. But, though now I do a lot of things I enjoy, and have wonderful friends and family, and I'm happy being saved and belonging to Jesus, there is STILL a lot of "baggage" in my marriage that I find hard to forget- and I am still having to be firm and assertive all the time, or he would dominate me completely. He has little else in his life, and I can't be everything to him, no one person can.
His mother loved "her boys" but had no time for the girls, whom she saw as just "useful" for helping her. All the same, my husband was asked to do a lot of jobs for his family. Wasn't allowed to be lazy! Also his real father had died when he was 9, and the family moved in with an auntie. His mother married again, but left her four children with different aunts, until later when they got a bigger house, and they were 16 and able to earn, then she had them back. I often say, when my husband is being controlling and critical that he is "punishing me instead of his mother"- whom he always made excuses for and put on a pedestal!"!!
We have been married 34 years but I am still disappointed, although I have always worked hard at marriage, I can't pretend.
When we went out together, he dressed well and was clean. Very soon after marriage, I found he didn't wash as often as he should, and he complained to his mother that I moaned about his feet, and she told me off, and said he's a hard working man and they do sweat!!
I worked as a teacher at this time. My parents were also disappointed that I hadn't married a professional man- but that was the least consderation. It was differences expectations that
killed my feelings before they had developed!
He always had high expectations of sex- it had to be mutual orgasm or it was a failure, and he told me about other women he'd been with and how good they were. He said he expected me to be "good at it" because I wasn't a virgin when we married, and that I wasn't exciting. At this point I thought of leaving (I wasn't a Christian then ) but I wanted a stable home for my child and I got pregnant very quickly. He always seemed to be criticizing me. I think he wanted me to be like his mother, only super-sexy as well!
I had a very low self-esteem as a result of a hyper-critical mother and the fact that I was an unmarried mother in the days when social disapproval was still very high. Of course sex before marriage and adultery are sins. Also I am not conventionally good looking. The overall effect wasn't bad when I made the best of myself, but I have a lot of faults- too numerous to mention!!!
When I was pregnant, things got a bit better as I didn't work
and I felt glad to have a brother or sister for my daughter. I was better at sex when I was pregnant. And my husband was very protective.
My husband was always reliable and a good provider. The relationship with my daughter was O.K. but, even when her sister
arrived, happy and proud as he was, once she grew from a baby into a child, I felt that he envied his friend who had no children and had his wife's exclusive attention. I was shouted at for not keeping the children quiet in the car for instance.
I don't say I was perfect. I developed a terrible temper and even threw a cup of coffee at him one day in a rage.
Also, I had an affair- long before I became a Chritian and this man seemed to appreciate being with me for my own sake, not for any "performance"- he didn't demand anything from me, and we were more intellectally on a level and discussed a lot of interesting things. But of course it is wrong. If I'd been a Christian, I could not have done that. In fact, just after I'd becaome a Christian, he got in touch with me (many years later) and wanted to see me- and I turned the invitation down.
In spite of my parents warnings, I agreed to a joint bank account- but he ruled me with money. When he wanted a new car, he would shout down my objections, and say it wa sfor the family and I had the benefit of it also..etc.. but the one day I bought my daughter two pairs of shoes in a sale, he went mental with me.
He isn't so bad now, but it has taken this long. He still talks of "his money"and of "giving me money" but I always correct him.
I have a lot of friends, and he doesn't mind that now- they are mostly Christians, and one or two women who live locally. He has no real hobbies except for cars and the T.V. and no friends except one from far away, whom he has known most of his life.
But I can't give him all he needs. At least now he doesn't mind me having my own interests and although not a Christian, he doesn't mind that I am involved with a lot of the church activities. He doesn't mind when I go off on the train and meet up with grandchildren and have a day out, and he meets me at the station. But although we have them to stay a few days in the school holidays, I know he isn't happy having "his" home invaded. He is territorial and likes having me to himself!!!
But although things are much better, I feel sometimes, he's got waht he wants- both daughters have their own lives, one is married and has three children- so he has me to himself. He is always up behind me in the kitchen, now he is retired, telling me a "better way" to do things. He likes my cooking, but his friend's wife loves cooking as a hobby, and I could never compete.
I still work, but only part-time and I love my work, because for the first time, I have a decent work/life balance.
I don't regret working most of my married life, because we were able to support our youngest through University. But it was demanding and too much at times.
A few years ago my husband was very ill, and I nursed him through that, and perhaps we were closer then, because he couldn't be bossy and critical and he was genuinely thankful to me for looking after him well (although it was what anyone would do, I didn't expect thanks.)
Things are better than they have ever been, but I struggle still (and many friends and colleagues say they've watched me struggle throughout the years) There is just so much "baggage". He has never been excatly cruel- but has played silly games , in the past, to "bring me to heel"- threatening to leave home - and that frightened me because he's got the control of the money and I feared being left with debts.)
Otherwise, I think I'd have often been glad if he'd left. That's a terrible admission, but honest!! I've also told him when I didn't love him- I can't pretend feelings I haven't got. But there are times when I have ALMOST loved him- and times when I've ACTED lovingly.
I do realise that we need to display "agape love" but in this case, I think the more I'd given up my identity and my right to any money of my own, the more I'd tried to please him, the worse he became. Now I've developed more self-esteem, it is better but still a lot lacking- because try as I might, I can't forget the times I was criticized and controlled and kept short of things. (And it was always justified, he always seemed to "fix it" so there wasn't enough money to give me any to spend. The only money I had was the Family allowance.)
I feel terrible that I can't see in him what his friend's wife can see in him. (When we visit them, he is at his best and we all have a good laugh!) She has always had a soft spot for him and says he's got a lot of charm and a cute face. I wish I could see the charm and the cute face!!
But her husband is HORRIBLE- he shouts at her about her cooking although it';s her hobby and she takes pride in it- and is an excellent he always finds something wrong with it. Perhaps as he is my husband's only real friend, he compares himself and thinks he's good by comparison, which he is!!
I did go for marriage guidance (to "Relate") after I had the affair.It wasn't helpful. It wasn't Christian guidance and she said I'd got to accepot that my marriage was probably a sham!!! .
I don't think it is- but it still needs work and I haven't given up hope that I'll actually one day feel attracted to him, and see the charm and the cute face his friend's wife sees!!!!!
As it is- there is far too much "baggage" and why do men of that generation think they can make no effort to make themselves attractive to a woman? It's a real turn-off!! I STILL work hard at making myself as attractive as I can for my age. I feel better about myself if I do, anyway!!!
Perhaps I'm to blame. If anyone thinks I am, then please correct me in love, as Christians are supposed to do. But, though now I do a lot of things I enjoy, and have wonderful friends and family, and I'm happy being saved and belonging to Jesus, there is STILL a lot of "baggage" in my marriage that I find hard to forget- and I am still having to be firm and assertive all the time, or he would dominate me completely.
And his lack of effort to make himself attractive to me is a turn off. We still make love and it's technically good after all these years, my desires have increased since I'm no longer worn out with full time work. But I still don't feel 100% close. I don't feel like kissing him. It's awful to say that but I don't. Personal hygiene is important to me.
He has little else in his life, and I can't be everything to him, no one person can.
