Some advice PLEASE!!

[tmoon]

I'm really stuck! I could use some good chrisitan advice! Some words of wisdoms..... SOMETHING!!

My hubby and i have been having problems. I've posted asking for prayers and things actually got worse after that. I say that because he moved out last Wed.
He did decide to move back in on Sat (only gone like 4 days), but we're really working hard on things. We still have a long way to go before we're really "THERE", having the marriage and relationship we should have according to God and his teachings.

My problem is that i just found out (last night) that i am pregnant! We have (my kids from previous marriage) 11 YO daughter, 9 YO son. He has a 7 YO daughter living in another state that we are trying to get visitation of, we have a 1 YO son together, and now this!

We'd discussed more kids, and thou he was interested in maybe having one at a later date, i don't know how interested i was in it.
I am just torn at how i feel right now. I feel like i should have told him last night because i was a little HAPPY about it. But in the same breathe, i'm so worried about our future, i'm scared to even say anything. We have so much on our plates already!!!

I think he would be excited, but i just know his first reaction is going to be that of pure shock!

ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO HANDLE THINGS??

[beloved]

There's nothing you can do but tell him and go from there.

If you are asking if you must stay married to him, there are reasons for divorce according to the bible. Divorce should be the last resort, however, because it breaks up families.

If you would like I can post what the Word has to say about this. Not today but sometime next week I will do that.

God desires for us to stay married because divorce brings much hurt and toubles with it for all involved.

Why did your husband leave, if you don't mind my asking? It's hard to give advice when I don't really know the whole situation.

God wants you and your children to be safe, so if he is physically dangerous then I cousel you to leave. In such situations reconciliation at a later date might be possible and it might not.

But as far as telling him about the baby, unless you think he will hurt you, tell him. He has the right to know.

God Bless,
beloved

[tmoon]

No i don't mind you asking. This is the 4-5th time that he's been "mad" and left. Usually only for 1 night, but this time for 4. His normal response to problems is to RUN. He's done that with most everything serious in his life. He has in recent years started to be more responsible, but for the most part, that's how he handles things. Pretend it didn't happen, don't talk about it, avoid any situation that would bring up the problem.

He's an addict and has struggled with Meth addiction for a long time. He is doing much better, and (FYI) was never violent during those episodes. He almost always made sure not to be around me or the kids when he was like "THAT".

We tried couseling a couple of months after he came home from being in jail. (approx June) But after 3-4 visits he quit going. We've just been through so much. I want more than anything for our marriage to work. I refuse to give up on God, US, him, me, or our family! I know God has a plan for us! I'm just trying to figure it out, maybe that's my problem, maybe i don't need to "figure it out" just let it happen!

I'm seeing someone in the church now, i'm hoping that he will come with me next week.

I just don't know how to feel! I did another test and it was DEFINATELY POSITIVE! i am about 5 weeks.....

[tmoon]

Well, things went kinda how i expected! IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!

He was/is angry at me! He's blaming me for this..."it's all your fault, how could you do this to me?" and the entire time i'm thinking... ME----do this to YOU??!!!

This is a time when someone should be happy and bubbling about being pregnant and i'm feeling about as miserable as possible!!!

Any scripture suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

[beloved]

Sorry, I wasn't sure what you were asking of me. I wasn't sure what I was to advise you on.

Living with an addict is no fun for sure- and that would be a huge understatement.
As far as feelings go, they are up and down, and of value, but we need to live according to scriputure as much as possible and not according to our unstable emotions. That does not mean that we ignore and bury our emotions, it just means we don't react out of them in wrong ways- not saying that you do.

However, I also want to make it clear that God does not expect you to live with someone who refuses to repent of something that is so harmful to you and your children. Sometimes seperation is neccessary to promote postive change in such hurting marriages and individuals.

Pray and follow God's will in your particular case. He knows your hubby and knows what is the best way to approach his personality to promote permenant change.

Meth is such a monster. It reeks havoc on the body and mind. He really needs to make the commitment to quit, or you and your kids won't have him around for long (whether he is jailed again, or he passes). I know you know this, but sometimes we need to be reminded how serious things are.

Pray hard! Follow God!

God Bless,
beloved

[tmoon]

Sorry if i wasn't very clear in the beginning!

He just has this way of turning everything around on me. Doesn't matter if he's to blame or not, He's not accepting responsibility for anything! I guess that's an addict's personality.

He has so much pain from his past. The loss of his mother, then a year later his step brother (he took his own life).... He's so angry and cold sometimes, and i truly believe most of it comes from those pains that he's never dealt with.

I'm praying for him and for me. I remind myself that i must keep faith in God that this is his plan. I have to keep faith that He will be there with me til the end! Never leaving me!! I'm reminding myself of that a lot right now! It's easy to lose hope (faith).

Thank you for your words of wisdom! It hurts to hear some of it, but i know it's the truth!!!
God Bless You!

[setfree]

tmoon said:

Well, things went kinda how i expected! IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!

He was/is angry at me! He's blaming me for this..."it's all your fault, how could you do this to me?" and the entire time i'm thinking... ME----do this to YOU??!!!

This is a time when someone should be happy and bubbling about being pregnant and i'm feeling about as miserable as possible!!!

Any scripture suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

He has no business treating you this way. He knows full well that any time he has sex with you there is a chance of a baby being made.

It sounds like he is very immature and very irresponsible. As a husband and father he needs to grow up and quit putting himself and his addiction before his family. Addicts tend to indulge in self pity. I know because I use to do that a lot. I felt sorry for myself all the time and then I would indulge in my addictive pattern. Why don't you demand change in him? It really shouldn't be an option for him to behave this way and remain in your home. He is destroying his own home as well as himself. You can't save him, only God can do that and your husband must be willing. It may be that if you never put your foot down that he will never allow God to help him.

He may have had a hard life; he may have had a great one. Either way he looks at having a wife and children as a burden instead of a blessing. My father did that and still does. He is the most selfish man I've ever known. That kind of thinking is wrong. Whatever lies behind your husbands thinking needs to be challenged and corrected with scripture. The Bible says that a man who has many children and a good wife is blessed. If he feels differently, he needs to change his stinkin' thinkin'. His thoughts are not lining up with the bible and that is his main problem. Life is all about relationships, not selfish indulgence in sinful things, which never produce anything but death anyway.

Setfree

[tmoon]

[/quote]

It sounds like he is very immature and very irresponsible. As a husband and father he needs to grow up and quit putting himself and his addiction before his family. Addicts tend to indulge in self pity.

Setfree[/quote]

I totally agree. He is very immature and irresponsible most times. He knows what God expects of him, but it's like that doesn't matter. He does what makes him "cool" by the world's standards, even thou he knows that isn't what God wants or expects from him.
But how can i or how do i help him to make those type changes? I can lead him to pray, read the bible, etc. but how can i motivate him to actually DO what he's supposed to be doing?
How or what can i do to make him not be so ANGRY? He's got a coldness about him that came along about a year or so ago (while he was in jail the 2nd time).
I know if he has the relationship that God that he needs to, or should have according to the word, he wouldn't be SO cold. He wouldn't be so angry.
He takes everything i say personally, but if he does or says anything hurtful, then i'm over reacting and nagging him for nothing!!

(example) at lunch he called me and i had my wallet under my left arm, my lunch plate (salad buffet) in my right hand, going thru the line and my phone between my left shoulder and left ear. Needless to say i had my hands full!! I said to him, (nicely) i need to run real quick i've got my hands full and...... Before i could explain that he could call me back in about 5 minutes if he'd like to finish talking, he said, "fine then, i gotta go too!" and hung up on me! He didn't like me telling him I didn't have time, but he does that to me A LOT, and i say, OK, i understand your busy, call me when you can, BYE. But he just gets mad and hangs up on me! <<<(that drives me crazy)

PS... We have an appointment for counseling on Thursday, but i don't think he's willing to go!

[peachy]

Why does it matter to him to be cool? How old is he? I've learned that if you have to bring yourself down to their level for them to be your friends then they aren't worth your trouble!!!!!

Hope all gets better for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[[[[[[Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]]]]]]

[godhelpme]

Congrats on your new baby! God is happy even if your husband isn't.

[tmoon]

thank you! i know this must be his plan.....

He's definately old enough to know better! Nearing 30, but he's just not there! He's a very selfish person. He's admitted that, and i believe he's trying. But at the same time, i don't know if he's aware of HOW selfish he really is.....

i just read Boundries in Marriage and i'm hoping that he'll read it too. i know there's no easy fix, just reading that book isn't going to change our marriage. But the book, our willingness to change things, and our faith in God will!!!

He's taking the pregnant thing a little better now... Maybe it was just the shock of it all, and it's just gonna take time for him to accept things.

Thanks for your concerns, thoughts, and prayers!!
I just hope we make it, and don't become another statistic!!!!!

[beloved]

tmoon said:

i just read Boundries in Marriage and i'm hoping that he'll read it too. i know there's no easy fix, just reading that book isn't going to change our marriage. But the book, our willingness to change things, and our faith in God will!!!

Good idea. Who is the book by?

He's taking the pregnant thing a little better now... Maybe it was just the shock of it all, and it's just gonna take time for him to accept things.

I'm glad he's taking it better.

Thanks for your concerns, thoughts, and prayers!!
I just hope we make it, and don't become another statistic!!!!!

Your welcome! I hope you both make it too with him being sober and loving and godly; a good husband, man, and father. Don't worry about the statistics. What is important is you and your children. "The fear of [what] man [thinks] is a snare." Proverbs

No institution is more important than the people in it.

Father,

I pray that you will reveal your love to both tmoon and her husband on a deeper level than they have ever known. I pray Lord that you will soften and change their hearts through your love.

Reveal the truth to Mr. tmoon so he can be free from all his bondages, pain, and fears. Show him, Father, where his own human reasoning has failed him and his family. Give him a fire in his heart to know you; to seek your face. Shower him with your love and presence and draw him Lord into fellowship with you.

Teach him, Lord, what it means to be a godly man and mold him into your image. Father, let him come to the end of himself and I pray that he will place himself in your hands to mold and shape into a vessel fit for Your use.

Give tmoon the strength, courage, and grace she needs to weather her circumstances. Give her the wisdom and guidence through your word that she needs to always direct her steps in her life. Break every fear in her Lord that may hold her back from doing what you would have her do in any situation in her life. Protect her and her children always. Help her to look to You as her couselor, master, Savior, God, teacher, and Lord. Be her comforter, Lord, as you have promised.

I thank you for all this and many blessings in her life.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen

[tmoon]

[/quote]Good idea. Who is the book by? [/quote]

(hope this quote things works out-haven't figured that one out yet) ;D

It's a great book! It's by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. They've written several books on boundries. Personal boundries, boundries with children (kids), boundries in dating.... ETC...

They use biblical references through out the entire book; telling us what God expects of us, as well as our partner.

PS. Thank you so much for your prayers!!!

GOD BLESS YOU!

[gardener]

I've known alotta drugs heads in my day. They are difficult. Its like they have spilt personalities, really. I already know this is a sterotype, but everyone i ever came across is just like that. You can even say the same thing about me when i'm drinking. If i know one thing, its the truth comes out when your going off drugs. I don't know though tmoon. Thats how i see it, but stick by him though, you really don't want to have a baby without him you know. Pray, pray, pray, I will pray for you guys.

Peace

[tmoon]

I DON'T! I don't want to have this baby without him. I did that with our son (my 3rd child). He was in jail during most of my pregnancy and didn't get out til our son was 6 months old. That was one of the hardest things i've ever done.

I guess that's part of the reason i'm really worried about things. He's on parole, so if he gets in trouble (DOING ANYTHING WRONG) he will go back to jail to finish his sentence. That would be about 10 years!!!!!!! I just don't know what i'd do if that happened! But IT'S LIKE he doesn't care, think about it, or worry about that!

I've stuck by his side this long, i'm not leaving.... But he's gotta do something to make things better!!!!! I feel like all i can do is pray! And i'm trying to do that as much as possible!!!!!

Thanks for your prayers too Gardener!!! I'll keep you in mine too!!